Not quite perfect

Over the past couple of weeks I've been struggling with the whole parenting thing. I've been beating myself up over and over and over again for not doing all of the things I had wanted to with my daughter. Mainly bfing. It doesn't make it any easier that one cashier at the local walmart likes to remind me I'm doing her a disservice by purchasing formula for her. Physically I can't breast feed. With both of my children my milk dried up in about two weeks. I tried and tried to boost production for months each time, to no avail. Even friends and family have been pointing out my failed attempts. But most of all I'VE been reminding myself how I've failed my daughter.
My temper hasn't exactly been in check lately either. I've never taken it out on my daughter, but to me it feels as if I'm going against all the peaceful parenting ideals I've been trying to instill into my household. I scream and shout and hit the pillows while my daughter is safely tucked away in her bedroom, but sometimes she hears me venting my frustration. She doesn't nap, she doesn't co-operate with tummy time, in fact she down right refuses to do it, she won't play on her own long enough for me to even toss in a load of laundry, she won't let me put her in her carrier. My lack of down time has been playing a serious role in my temper lately. Single motherhood is no bed of roses. There's no partner there to help when I get frustrated, there's no one there I can depend on to watch her while I try to clean my house, or even help with the cleaning when needed. I am on my own with this not so tiny little Princess who rules over the entire kingdom (aka my life).
But today something made me stop to think. It was those chubby little cheeks with the tiny dimples, and the excited baby squeals eminating from their owner that made me realize, maybe I am doing something right here. Nothing is perfect, nothing has been how I've planned it to be. But somehow I'm doing right by my little girl. She's happy (most of the time, even if it doesn't seem like it), she's amazingly healthy, and she's so strong. My situation is no where near perfect, but it's good enough. I know I should strive for better. But what's the use of beating myself up over the things I haven't accomplished, when there's obviously so much I have?

Not as crunchy as I planned.

I strived to be a "crunchy" mama. All natural, no pain meds during labor, as little medical intervention as was possible during my labor, organic, cloth diapers, co-sleeping, baby wearing. exclusively nursing until my daughter was six months old and then continue nursing on demand until she was three. And then it all blew up in my face. I was pre-eclamptic, induced 6 weeks early, my daughter was in the nicu for 2 weeks. Thankfully nothing was severely wrong with her, no jaundice, no heart or lung problems. The only thing she needed to do was learn how to eat. So far the only thing going for me is the co-sleeping. She's bottle fed formula, she wears disposable diapers, hates the sling, and I am far from eating organic myself. I've gotten a suprising amount of flack from other "crunchy" moms about how I'm practically screwing up my daughter's life by not doing any of the things I had PLANNED on doing. This comes from people I would consider friends to the cashier at my local Walmart. It amazes me how people who are all about the welfare of the baby can't see that maybe what's best for it isn't, in fact, being the crunchiest person on the planet. If my daughter didn't receive formula, she'd starve as milk sharing is unfortunately not an option for me and my milk never came in properly for me, despite my best efforts. I'm not saying women shouldn't TRY to nurse their children, I think it's the most natural thing for them. But we as mother's (or TOC/ planning on having one eventually) need to understand that what works for one doesn't really work for the other. I've seen "lactivist" essentially push women away from their cause by telling them how aweful of a mother a woman would be if she even dared give her sweet precious little Bobby formula, or how dare she consider circumcision as an option. It doesn't come down to whether or not the mother was making an informed decision, it came down to what these people "knew" to be the ONLY right way to raise a child. I want this blog to be a place where I can feel safe trying to be crunchy and not quite making it.